Well Ain’t This Special | TSC’s One Year Anniversary

TSC:  Well Ain't This Special

Well ain’t

this

special -

 

I’ve been blogging for a year.

 

March 25, 2012 is The Single Crunch’s anniversary – about three weeks before the death of my mother.

I started this blog after sharing a slideshow I made and uploading it to YouTube.  It was shared by different Facebook pages that seemed to have a solid fan base -

- and people were liking it.

I was all, “Oh snap I’m a videographer.”

Then I was all,

“Wrong answer.  I’m not a videographer.  But this was fun.  I wonder if there’s a way I could share my stories in a way that showcases a talent I do have?  Hmm…”

 

I ran down the list of my three talents and since one of them requires me to be naked, I went with writing and parenting.

 

Obviously I was going to write about my children.

I didn’t want to be an instruction-giver or a method-teacher.

I wasn’t looking for a following.

I think I only wanted to share.

I wanted to make some people laugh.

I wanted to touch someone’s heart.

I wanted to give another mother hope.

I wanted to be that mom who’s mostly not being represented on your average gentle parenting page

or your average unschooling page

or your average breastfeeding page.

I wanted a bit of community in my life.

 

And looking back I’ve realized

That I also wanted an escape.

 

I started writing just as my mom was dying and

I sat in the hospital bed in her room for weeks,

posting and sharing and replying to comments.

I was happy about the blog…proud and excited that something I’d done

was working out.

 

I think subconsciously

my brain knew I’d need something to hold onto.

Something to fill the planet-sized void in my life

that appeared as my mother was leaving my life.

 

Some weeks ago I was on the phone with Sheila Pai, one of the most calming, nurturing souls I’ve ever had

the pleasure of not actually meeting – and

I said to her that I don’t think I’m going to “get any better” than I am now.

I’ve never really bought into the idea that victims of childhood abuse can “fully” recover, because

“Fully” for me would mean I’d be who I would have been if I’d never been abused.

I decided a while ago that I’m not going to spend too much time attempting to “change”,

I focus on striving to cope.

 

My brain sent me a message when I was a teenager that

Sure, I can work through my past and get better but

I am who I am

and

that’s okay.

 

See, I can identify an issue I have and

start to work on it and

it gets better,

But then I realize I’ve had to sacrifice mastery in other facets of my life,

And that now I’ll need to go back.

Often I only get so far with an issue before I reach a place

too unfamiliar

(read: terrifying)

to try and navigate.

 

My brain figured out for me that sometimes

the answer to healing ourselves is in fact

not

at all

about

ourselves.

 

That when we cannot rid ourselves of our own demons,

we can render their presence less of a burden

by giving of ourselves to others.

 

Giving the good stuff,

the best part.

 

And that when we share ourselves openly and freely

and when we share because we genuinely, passionately love everyone alive

and we share with tender concern for the welfare of others -

they can reflect back for us

what they see in us.

 

And that perhaps what they see

is a lot of good.

 

And that maybe their voices will drown out the pained wailing of all those demons.

 

So I’ve learned,

I’ve always known,

that my journey is not my own.

That in order for me to be at peace with myself

and my world

my existence must be one of service to others.

That’s what fills my cup.

 

I didn’t fully understand that last March when I started The Single Crunch.

I didn’t get that what was making me feel so big and so proud and so full,

whenever I receive a comment from a reader,

was that the reader said

I’d helped them.

 

I wondered at first if it was an ego thing but

really, me, ego?  :)

I’ve never had much to be egotistical about so,

it wasn’t that.

 

It was being able to reach my arm out and caress the shoulder of a friend in Australia,

from here in my home in the busy Boston streets.

It was reading from a mom that her kids should thank me and thinking

no they shouldn’t because

I know what it takes for you to keep reading

and trying

and hoping you’ll get better, Momma

and I honestly love you and your children,

and I hope it gets better, too,

and I want you to see me and to know that it can,

it will and

the fact that you’ve chosen to share it with me

is making me better too, so

thank you.

 

There are still times when

it doesn’t compute that maybe

I am helping others.

 

Like if you’ve been buying  lottery tickets for years

and you’re there in the living room one night

and your eyes are locked on the TV

and your numbers show up on the screen

and you just stare because you’re shocked beyond words.

 

That’s what it’s like when I read messages from others.

 

Money doesn’t excite poor people because

we know it’s an illusion.

 

I don’t have a lot of money and

there doesn’t “seem” to be enough to go around anyway so

since there are so many human beings on the planet

I’ll trade in love and people.

Compassion is my currency.

 

And I won’t miss out on anything because

I was born poor and it would be my honor to die that way

as long as I’ve touched a lot of lives.

 

And even though I know how big the world is

my world isn’t always so big because of my circumstances,

so even one life is a lot, to me.

 

And there is more than one person reading my blog,

so you can imagine how I’ve hit the lottery.

 

There are two anniversaries approaching

in my life.

One is this blog’s.

The other is the death of my mom

and

because of a bunch of people

whom I will never regard as strangers,

I have a choice of which one I can devote my energy to.

 

And ain’t that pretty damn special.

 

Thank you for reading what I write.  I’m proud of The Single Crunch and I am forever indebted to all of you for helping me to work through my past and my present, and losing my mom.  Thank you.  All love.

Kimberley

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Categories: Blogging, Poetry

Author:Kimberley

I'm Kimberley, work-at-home single momma to two girls, Ryleigh, 9, and Logan, 3. The Single Crunch is the story of our journey from a lifestyle saturated in mainstream ideals to an organic existence, and learning to love each other, ourselves, and any living thing, unconditionally. I'm passionate about breastfeeding, unschooling, single parenting, writing, grief, childhood abuse, childism, and natural living. I write about all this and whatever else moves me, which is a lot, and I throw in some funny on the regular. I'm humbled and grateful to have you reading, thank you. I hope something here will help you in any way.

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4 Comments on “Well Ain’t This Special | TSC’s One Year Anniversary”

  1. Joanne Price
    March 21, 2013 at 10:18 am #

    thank YOU! Congratulations on living the dream. U do help and provide inspiration to other mothers. Your mother would be proud of that, I’m sure. And someday, if not already, so will your daughters.
    Keep writing, and we shall keep reading!
    Joanne

  2. March 22, 2013 at 6:05 am #

    Congratulations! Im so glad to have “met” you!

  3. March 24, 2013 at 9:41 pm #

    Happy Anniversary, Kimberly and TSC. I delighted you started blogging and your facebook page – you’ve already had a huge impact on my life. Thanks, and PLEASE keep going! Keep sharing. Keep writing. Keep being your awesome, inspirational self.

  4. June 19, 2013 at 5:44 pm #

    You have touched my heart and you have given me hope. TSC was born 5 days after my son. I wish I had discovered your blog sooner, but this past week or two I’ve just been devouring the old posts and enjoying every one. It is a very rocky time for my son and me right now, but we have each other, and your writing is keeping me strong. A sincere thank you…

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