So here’s some news:
Ex and I have been talking, a lot. Ex is my ex-husband, Daryl, Ryleigh’s father. We’ve been talking about getting ourselves together separately and what that means for us together. We love each other and have managed to remain friends despite all we’ve experienced, and mostly I feel it would be nice if we could make it work. But there’s a problem, a few of them actually.
My scandalous lifestyle. The way I breastfeed big ole’ toddlers like it ain’t no thang, the way my 9-year-old talks back to me like she’s a respected member of the human race, the way my daughters don’t seem to have a set bedtime, the fact that they see no part of a school building, ever…and the co-sleeping.
“They should be in their own beds!” He says. ”They aren’t babies. Isn’t this why they have rooms?!”
No, they’re not babies, I reply. But they’re my children and they need me.
“Kim they would be fine if you had them in their own rooms.”
But I don’t want my daughters to be “fine” I answer. I want them to be happy and feel safe. The setting of the sun doesn’t signify the end of my “shift”. I am still their mother. If Ryleigh was afraid of something during the day and I ignored her you’d be upset. This is nighttime parenting. This is what I signed up for.
No answer from Ex. This is like a really big deal for him. I’ve even offered to read research with him about the benefits of a family bed. So far he’s refused to look at it because “he knows what he knows” and he’s tired of me having “research” for every decision I make. WHAT’S THAT? Yes, you read correctly: he is tired of me making evidence-based decisions about parenting – the most important job I have.
Well then.
And now the questions: am I willing to set aside my feelings about what’s best for my children, in order to have a chance with Ex? Would I be willing to do it for anyone? Is this compromise? Am I being unfair?
No, I’m not. I understand the way Ex feels, because I formerly held similar opinions about how children should be treated – but I can’t respect him not wanting to even look at the research and form an opinion based on that. I can’t respect it because to me that means he knows that the research is going to tell him what he doesn’t want to hear, and that deep down he knows it’s best, but he doesn’t truly feel it’s worth the personal sacrifices he’d have to make. If the kids sleep in bed with me I can’t be having sex in bed! Oh no! Whatever will we do?!
I don’t know but I won’t be kicking my girls out of my room, even if it means I remain single. I’m starting to realize that many adults fear the ideas of conscious parenting because of the cost to their personal liberties – because of childism. The kids aren’t worth it. They’re just kids, they’ll be fine either way. I need my “me” time. My entire life is not about kids.
Yeah, you know, mine isn’t either. My entire life is not about kids but I do try to get a long well with everyone. As an adult I’ve had to bite my tongue or do things I’d rather not, often, in order to keep the peace with other adults. My children are worth that. No I don’t always love sleeping with them but if this is what they need right now, and I brought them to this world, and I’m the person who takes care of all their needs during the day - who am I to tell them that because it’s dark they must face their fears alone? What right do I have?
I’m bigger. I pay the bills, I handle the stress, I was here first, the lease is in my name, I make the rules, they need to learn independence, it’s just not natural. Those are some of the reasons, right?
Doesn’t work for me anymore. Having children not only means we become teachers, it means we become students as well. This is a lesson for me in give and take, in honest compromise, in keeping my eye on the big picture. These girls will not always be children and will not need me or want me this way forever. Right now they do.
That’s really the only answer I have for Ex or any man I’ve dated who doesn’t quite get why I do this.
Right now they need me this way, and this is the way I will “be there” for them. There is so much I can’t give my daughters, sleeping with me is free and easy – I’m giving it. Especially now that I’ve learned how beneficial it will be to them in the future.
So, maybe I’ll remain single for a long while, maybe not. I’d love to find a like-minded partner but that’s not currently my focus. I have enough to do and I’m happy. Of course I get lonely and tired and stressed and angry but it wouldn’t be worth it to me to have a companion if it meant I’d have to shortchange my kids.
Ex and I are still talking about it and today he’s more willing to listen. Who knows. I’ve known Ex since he was a 19-year-old college sophomore and I know he’s got a good heart. I’m going to keep being gentle and respectful of the way he feels, and I’ll keep chipping away with all my boring evidence. Maybe his crusty, childish shell will shatter and fall. Mine already has and I refuse to allow it back.
This is pretty much me right now.
[But I don’t want my daughters to be “fine” I answer. I want them to be happy and feel safe. The setting of the sun doesn’t signify the end of my “shift”. I am still their mother. If Ryleigh was afraid of something during the day and I ignored her you’d be upset. This is nighttime parenting. This is what I signed up for.]
That is what parenting should be about. I am not a parent yet (though I would love to be), and I’m reading your page/blog, along with others about parenting and pregnancy because I’m doing what you advocate–researching before I get there so that I can hopefully make the best choices for my family. I’m sorry your ex and other men you date don’t fully under stand attachment parenting, but often people are weary of what they don’t know and what seems like it’s more work. I know my husband is very unfamiliar, but since it’s something I’m passionate about, he trusts me. I do think though, that some men are weary of practices like co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding since they think it might interfere with their relationship, but if they’re shown it won’t be an issue, they should be able to accept AP.
That is awesome that you can still have a good friendship with your ex. My ex (fiance, never married) and I can’t be friends (emotional abuse), but he is semi-supportive of family bed and full-term nursing. Maybe because deep down, he trusts me to do what is best for our son.
I just wanted to say that I love that you and your Ex still discuss the possibility of being together even though you are Exes. It’s too bad he won’t accept the family bed concept. My husband had never heard of it but agreed – he had no other choice as separation was not an option he was willing to even think about. I wish your Ex would consider the adventurous possibilities of finding other locations to have sex – it’s fun and oh, the stories you may creat for later! I didn’t have to make the decision that you are, but even if I did, I would have still had hope and would have worked towards us working it out even if it meant not until after the kids had moved on to their own beds. You can’t take his time back once it’s over. And the benefits are beyond anything you imagine at the time: even just the “confidence benefit” was worth it LOL
Blech…relationships are WAAAYYYY too much work. I’ll pass. Kudos to you for even entertaining the idea but your baby girls come first and if he doesn’t like or agree with your parenting style that’s your answer right there.
Was he always this controlling?
I agree on the lifestyle. I do it myself. But I disagree with your lack of respect for your husband. You need to realize that if he is to remain your husband, you need to respect him. I wouldn’t cave on nursing toddlers and such. But depending on the age of the child, you can lie with them until they fall asleep, in their own bed, and then walk away from until they need you again. Or, you can create a nighttime routine that you end by saying good night and walking away. I’d say that this is true if they are 6+ and weaned.
I disagree about the lack of bedtime. You are doing your children a great disservice by not instilling good health habits in them. Your job is to train them in habits that will serve them as adults. Schedules and routines are not only healthy but they’re good training for life.
great blog. thanks for sharing. I am glad to know I am not alone in this sort of thing! I admire you for respectfully sharing your views and totally agree with you. I feel sad that our culture is so quick to discount the most important job – raising children to be peaceful members of society. if more children were attachment parented, breastfed till they chose to wean or at least until they were older (3-6yrs) etc, I think we would have a lot more emotionally healthy children. I have had similar discussions with my husband and just keep posting info on his facebook or send him emails (the research, blogs etc). i can’t believe it, but this past weekend he agreed to something that I never thought he would agree to and he now says that he likes the family bed. I found that as long as i do make time for us to be alone while the youngest is napping or during early morning hours, then he is so much more willing to understand and agree. it is pretty cool how he has changed over the years because with my first he was pretty much saying that he HAD to sleep in the crib and I did that from 4 months to 11 months until I just said, nope, its wrong and I am not doing it anymore. but believe me, there have been some big ups and downs in our relationship and fortunately, he is willing to see other points of views…..eventually.
I suspect– and this is just my theory– that a lot of adults are resistant to natural duration breastfeeding, the family bed, gentle discipline, etc. because they’re still trying to fill a hole left by NOT being parented that way themselves. Maybe you could talk to your Ex about how he was parented, what “fine” means, and how he thinks life would be different if he was raised to be MORE than fine.
I like to call my own 3-year-old nurslings who share our bed and enjoy being fully recognized members of our family unit “optimal”. My mama-heart insists they’re exceptional, but really I think it’s that they’re developing exactly as little humans should be, with all the support and bio-normative behaviors I can give them.
I am not a single parent, but I would be in a heartbeat if it meant any compromise to doing what I know is right for my child. I love your post. If only more parents put their kids first (all of the time- it is a full time job) to the best of their ability; I think the world would be a better place. The day one decides to bring children into the world is the day it stops being all about you and it is a serious responsibility. Too bad more people didn’t understand this. Imagine a world with no child abuse (and all the consequences that brings) and where children felt secure and knew they were loved. That is the world I am bringing my son up in and hopefully society will benefit as well. So you go Mama! I heartily am here in the background cheering you (and other responsible parents) on as I try to do the same. And yes, we co-sleep (even though it means we have to be creative for mommy and daddy time and we have little feet in our faces more often than not), I plan on homeschooling (would rather remove my arms than send my son to the hot mess of public school system) and I don’t care what anybody thinks either. My son is my life and I feel blessed every single day to have him in my life. <3
Ah this is so hard. I think at times like this it’s important to remember that even though family beds, extended breastfeeding and respectful engagement with children is very normal in many Indigenous and traditional cultures around the world, it is nearly non-existent in the “developed” western world. Your ex isn’t trying to resist because he thinks it’s bad parenting necessarily, he’s resisting because he hasn’t seen very many real-life examples in his own life experience. He would have a lot of fear associated with attachment parenting because in his world he is totally JUSTIFIED in being fearful – if he talks to anyone about how he’s feeling, they’ll be on his side because they’ve never seen real-life examples of AP either. If you can, involve him with other AP dads. Have AP parents come over for dinners and play dates, expose him as much as possible to AP parenting so it begins to feel safer for him.
I think if you want and need the relationship to work for you, you need to get on his level and see where he’s coming from. He doesn’t want to see “evidence” because he’s not seeing the concrete application all around him. He needs you to level with him. To say “I know it seems crazy and over-the-top. I know it seems unnecessary. I thought it was too! But this time with the kids is so short and before we know it they will be leaving home. When they turn around and thank us for never giving up on them and they can start their lives as confident, compassionate, independent and interdependent adults, we will be so grateful we didn’t either.”
Relationships really are about compromise and compassion. There’s no reason why everyone in the family can’t be happy. Maybe you could quell his fears by saying “this is what I need to do right now, but why don’t we talk about our options so that everyone is getting what they need.” Maybe you could get rid of the kids other beds and set up another bed for you guys as a couple. Change the dynamic so that there is a family bedroom and a couple bedroom. That way he will feel there is a space for you to have time alone together without being disturbed and then you can return to your family room to sleep so your children still have you there when they need you. You can also remind him of all the other fun places there are to have sex in the house
He also might have some other reasons for fearing co-sleeping. From the sounds of what you’ve written I’m assuming one child is his and there are others that are step-children?? I might be wrong so ignore this if I am! But maybe he feels it’s inappropriate for him to be sharing a bed with a step-child? And he might feel it will be making that step-child feel weird or awkward? If this is the case it means his feelings should be respected – the last thing your children need is someone sharing their bed who feels really weird about it. The couple bed could be a really good option here too, so if he’s feeling weird, he has a space to go to. You could also try setting up a family room without having all the beds connected so you are still in the same room, but there’s no weirdness about sharing.
Really, you just need to trust your gut and think about what the motives are behind his fears and whether your relationship is worth fighting for. There are always ways to make everyone happy, you just need to be creative. Too often I see AP mums write off the needs of the father and I think this is really sad. He’s a part of the family too, and the more his needs are ignored, the less likely he will be to see the sense in what you’re doing as a parent. Kids always do better with both biological parents caring for them so if the relationship is worth preserving, it’s worth a good hot go.
Good luck!! And sorry for the ridiculously LONG post!!
Hannah Joy, I think your comment is brilliant. I fully agree with it.
As I mentioned on The Single Crunch’s FB page as well, for most people Attachment Parenting is a journey. Most of us don’t start out as fullblown attached parents. A lot of mums start out by breastfeeding, and then they get in touch with other breastfeeding moms, who are often gentle parents or start reading things and change their minds on things like co-sleeping, Baby-Led Weaning, cloth diapering, punishment and rewards,… If one partner wasn’t there for whatever reason while the other parent made this ‘journey’, it’s probably not fair to expect them to adjust their views on parenting all at once.
Also Attachment Parenting isn’t a ‘one size fits all’. The AP principles clearly state you should do what feels right for your family, and that indeed means everyone in the family, including the (step-)father. Most AP families I know have very different approaches depending on what works for them.
You know what is going to damage your children a lot more than giving them a bottle or letting them sleep in their own rooms -their parents divorcing. There is plenty of substantial research on the effects of divorce on children and I dare say it is a lot more measurable than the effects of co sleeping. I think you and your ex-husband BOTH need to treat each other likes “members of the human race” and find some compromises. You sacrifice a lot for your children it sounds like so I don’t see how sacrificing for them to have an intact family is any different when that will impact them GREATLY. Also, why is it OK to sacrifice for our children but not our spouses? What makes them less important?
No what’s more damaging is staying in a loveless, hateful marriage. Splitting was the best thing we could have done personally and for our family. My ex is an adult. My children are CHILDREN (caps for emphasis, not yelling). I treat him like a member of the human race by encouraging him to challenge societal views of families and children and what’s best for them. I am willing to sacrifice plenty for them to have an “intact” (or family isn’t broken) family, but I have standards and boundaries and I’m proud to stand by them.
- Kimberley
Sorry, I totally misread that you were trying to work it out with ex -meaning that you were trying to work it out with each other. I assumed that differing parenting styles was the main reason for your relational trouble. I could have written my comment better also. What I really wanted to convey more considerately was that I think people make a big deal out of the wrong issues. The “elephant in the room” is the effects of divorce on children and not the smaller issue of parenting styles. I could be wrong, and I think the only people who can know the answer to what negatively affected them more are your children when they have adult perspectives on their childhood. Even then, they may not agree with each others opinions. Anyway, being a single is hard and I sincerely wish you the best.
Thank you for a thoughtful comment! I agree, I am always worried that what I feel is best maybe isn’t…there’s no handbook to parenting, and it’s always the first time, as each child is so different. Thanks for responding, made my day.
And I do give him credit, we talk about this often. I take into account that when we met I didn’t have all these beliefs (though I’ve always leaned toward hippie
). I’m willing to work with him, he’s been there for me. Nevertheless the man frustrates me. 
Actually, I felt like my husband agreed with all of the attachment parenting decisions I was making – not that he supported me in the least, but he didn’t argue (okay,he wanted our two year old out of the bed, but she stayed in our room – now since he’s gone she’s back in the bed). He left for a woman with a one year old boy (our daughters are 3 and 8months) who doesn’t do anything AP – formula fed, crib in anther room, CIO, all that (he used to talk about her A LOT). He still says I’m a great mom and the best thing for our girls, but the new woman is so much more ‘care-free’ (really she has her single mother as a live-in nanny, and she’s just in school with him, they’re doing all the same things and obviously she has time for an affair while I don’t have time to fix my hair). Just saying – it’s not the AP that lost him, it was the selfish need to keep being the center of the universe and he’s losing out on precious time with little ones – who I’m making the center of my world!
(I sound a lot more blasé about this than I really am – I suspected it for a while, he left a month ago after announcing three weeks before that he didn’t love me any more, and just yesterday he admitted to the affair. I’m still reeling. I tried really hard to make it work – he wouldn’t even give me anything concrete to work on, just that he wasn’t happy with me. When I finally pushed on the there’s someone else – I’d kept dropping it before when he’d deny it, but he wanted to ‘take a break’ and I figured out that was code for ‘see if it’s going to work out with her, but still get to come back with no repercussions’ – he got angry and nasty and then said we are done. And now I know went to sleep with her.)
Hey lady!
I think that it’s hard, but that’s what life is about, eh? Having a conflict and coming up with the best solution? I think, in my personal humble opinion, that sometimes you do need a male persecpective with some of the things we want to do with our kids. You have your own way of viewing Ryleigh (did I spell correctly) and her dad has his own persepctive.
I think that he also would have his own perspective on you as well, and maybe you need to be open to what he’s saying.
Nothing is wrong with cosleeping/extended breastfeeding/not having a bedtime but are you doing it because you feel guilty/fearful/worried or because you are secure in that it’s the right thing to do?
Sorry, I accidentally submitted twice.