When I say I don’t punish my eldest, Ryleigh, 9, most (mainstream) parents assume that means she doesn’t listen, or that there’s nothing she “must” do. Gentle parenting is absolutely not permissive. For me, gentle parenting means that I am constantly finding ways to instill self-discipline in Ryleigh.
There are many definitions for the word discipline that unfortunately include the word punish; but the one that applies for my family is this: activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training. That’s what I want my parenting to be: a regimen for Ryleigh that develops and continues to improve her skill for self-control. That is what is lacking in so many adults, and that is what changes in children as they grow – their ability to control themselves. Knowing that she is able to do what I ask also increases my frustration when dealing with Ryleigh. I think this is where parents may get hung up and feel that children can outgrow their response to being parented gently. Toddlers rely heavily on their caregivers to help them control themselves. A 9-year-old child is much more capable, but they first have to choose to comply. I want to help Ryleigh to make the decision to do what’s right; not to intimidate her into doing it. I want my parenting to be an exercise that will enable her to identify when she needs to control herself and how, and to be able to do so confidently.
When I’d first heard about natural consequences I thought, “What friggin’ “natural” consequences? If you don’t get caught, you don’t get taught!” I was wrong. When I am confident that I am doing everything I can to help Ryleigh to avoid trouble, I am genuinely hurt when she doesn’t heed my instructions, because I want the best for her. Hurting others is a natural consequence of purposefully making bad choices. And a child who is emotionally connected to others will care when they hurt someone else; and they will feel hurt. I don’t know many children who seek out activities which make them feel badly. When I have been connecting with Ryleigh she naturally wants my favor. I don’t threaten to withdraw it when she makes a mistake. I don’t tell her I’m upset because she didn’t listen to me. I tell her I’m disappointed that she knew better and chose not to do better.
Additionally, when I give Ryleigh responsibility over her actions she takes herself more seriously. She wants to prove to herself that she can do it, and she feels badly when she falls short where she knows she can succeed. Feeling ashamed is a natural consequence of squandering responsibility. Ryleigh does not like to feel ashamed of herself; and together we work on learning to control ourselves so that we don’t have to feel that way.
I still wonder about natural consequences and if these lessons will really stick with her. I understand why so many doubt that natural consequences can be used as a teaching tool – but I think that’s because too many children’s lives are filled with unnecessary interventions. That term is used repeatedly in the natural parenting world – interventions which are useful on a case-by-case basis, but which have unfortunately become routine practice in mainstream society, despite not being the best option for each individual. Where parenting is concerned, those interventions may be things like television, video games, the Internet, bad association, a parents’ hectic schedule, or having numerous scheduled activities. These are all fine in moderation but when they become woven into the fabric of our household they can eventually undermine the effectiveness of natural consequences.
When a family’s life is heavily bogged down with distractions there may not be much time left to truly consider the more “quiet” consequences, like…feelings. When everyone is always running or plugged in or on the phone or out with friends, it can become an obstacle for a family to find a good rhythm, so feelings may make less of an impact. Now, I try to minimalize the presence of such distractions in my home. There is plenty of time for us to talk and connect, and to feel. When one of us makes a mistake we cannot turn the television on and zone out. We do not have to promise to talk later after the three classes we have scheduled that day. We either talk about it then or it hangs in the air; and in a quiet home, silence is felt.
Natural consequences do work if a child’s environment is filled with more natural experiences. When Ryleigh was younger I was ignorant of our acute need for nature; and I felt I had neither the time nor the self-control to parent gently. I know kids want technology and toys, and I don’t really withhold items from my children; but I do discuss with them the importance of keeping their desire for such prizes in perspective. If we fill our lives with distractions they will, well, distract us. Of course Ryleigh wouldn’t care if I’m not punishing her; and yet her room is filled with every video game and toy she wants, and she always has her iPhone upgraded. She would think she already has what she is supposed to desire, so why care when Mom starts yapping about feelings, or respect, or accountability, or empathy?
She doesn’t have or want all those things though; she has enough to keep her entertained. So when we talk, what I say sinks in. I don’t encourage her to cultivate a covetous need for material things as a way to find happiness. I show her that she can create happiness for herself by setting goals and working to reach them. She has time to reflect. She journals. She blogs. She cycles. She paints. She sings. She plays in the dirt and the rain and the mud and the sun. She runs with strange dogs. She reads on the train. She dresses up. She does her hair. She experiments in her “lab”. She spies. She plays with her younger sister. She shares her feelings with me. It’s working.
I would encourage anyone who has doubts about gentle parenting and natural consequences to give it a try. I choose this over the other, easily-as-questionable route of hitting, shaming, isolating, and disrespecting. If neither method is proven 100% effective I’d rather chance it with the gentle route; I didn’t feel one tenth as good about my parenting or myself, before I started applying it. So far I am having great results and my children are thriving; my little family is thriving. We don’t have everything our society tells us we should have, and perhaps that is why we fare better as a family than society tells us a low-income, single-parent family should. We have something our society can’t give us: power within ourselves, according to our age and capabilities. And right now we’re using ours to learn together. Peace.
Hello,
I am not sure if I you will get this or not but here goes.
I have a 2 year old (26 months) daughter. She will not go to sleep for me and if I was a stay at home or even work from home mom I would be okay with this but when we don’t get to bed before midnight and I have to be up by 5 this is getting really hard for me. We do share a bed and she naps some days and other days she does not. I am wondering if it would be horrible of me to wake her around 7 in the mornings before I leave for work so she will be ready for a nap earlier in the day and then hopefully go to bed earlier? Do you think that is awful of me to even consider? Or do you have any suggestions?
Thanks,
Sarah
Sarah, I don’t think this is awful of you to consider at all! You’re trying to find what works best for your family, and you’re taking into account everyone’s needs. I commend you for *thinking* before doing, Momma. I have only recently been learning a lot about sleep schedules, and trying to find a good rhythm for my family. I will post this question to my page’s Facebook wall and I’ll come back and post the link here so that you may check the responses. I understand that since you work outside the home it would greatly help if Babe slept at night. I’m thinking though, that there may be some ideas out there that could help her to get to sleep earlier. I don’t feel that waking her earlier would be a bad thing, unless it bothered her. If you tried it and she was fine and it actually helped her to have a schedule that allows you to fulfill your duties better, I think that would be great for your family. If she doesn’t respond well to the earlier waking I’d try something else. It would be nice if we could all let our children play out their own sleep schedules all the time, but our fast-paced society isn’t truly set up to support the family structure; or such ideals. This is another topic that really bothers me. Thank you for writing, and I hope you get some rest soon. Hopefully you’ll get some good ideas from the responses.
All love,
Kimber
Hi Sarah,
Here is the link: http://www.facebook.com/TheSingleCrunch/posts/433295326729932?notif_t=feed_comment
Keep checking back as there will likely be more suggestions throughout the day.
Heya, I consider we use natural consequences in our house. As the kids get older (my eldest is 14 and I have almost 12 and almost 3 year olds too) the natural consequences get to change a little further and grow too. Things that eliminate nagging, such as: “I can’t wash clothing that’s not in the laundry.” to things that give them more responsibility, like an allowance for clothing where they can prioritise what is most important to them. That’s just some of the more practical things. And like you say, if I am sad, that is a consequence in itself both emotionally and physically because I’m more likely to not feel like doing fun stuff with them, and we don’t like it when our loved ones feel down. I don’t think we’re punishing, or taking anything away, just giving more responsibility when they’re able. Sometimes when they ask for favours, we ask for favours in return. We aim for very “free market” and “voluntaryist” (can you tell my partner is an economist? haha) Remembering how to love through tantrums, adn realising it’s their stress, not an attack. is so very helpful when puberty and PMS make themselves known!
Love, love, love, love!!!!! I’ve found, in my transition into the role of the gentle parent, that I hold Justice, the almost-seven-year old, to a higher level of accountability than I do Tristan, little ms. almost four. Thank you for writing this and, as always, being such a transparent soul.
LOVE!!!!
Trish
Being the philosophical type I am, I am not sure that “controlling ourselves” is the perfect way to put what you are doing. You are not trying to make Ryleigh control herself nor do you try to do so.
What I think you do is to instill in Ryleigh what every human being with a set of morals should do: think about whether it is right and in their true nature to do what they are about to do – whether doing means saying, acting, or whatever else.
During my philosophical studies and even more so after becoming a mum, I have thought about what it is that rubs me the wrong way about people saying that they are controlling themselves.
I figured it out: it assumes that it is natural for us to do the wrong thing – to eat too much (that was a fav and still is in my grandmother’s book), too drink and smoke heavily, to do what is morally and/or legally wrong, etc. I do not believe that human beings are like that. I believe that the same things that society suggests we need to have act on a broader level by suggesting what we need or should do. This leads us to a general feeling of not knowing how to act and is the reason for us giving into the perpetuous messages of “more, more, and more”.
I love the respectful, gentle way that you parent these amazing girls! It isn’t always the easiest route but it does have wonderful benefits that start happening right away.
I really connect iwth the part about choice. It honors the fact that we do not have ultimate control over our children and that their actions are their choice.