Top Ten: Truths That Would Shatter My Toddler’s World

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10) You’re completely illiterate. You’ve never written or read a single word in the three years you’ve lived with me. Not one. Sissy and I are straight lying when we look at your notes and tell you what they say. An open squiggly circle doesn’t say crap. You can’t read or write, Dude.

9)  I actually have zero desire to marry you. You’re super short, kinda self-centered and you eat all my food. The no job thing I can overlook but you won’t even do chores.
 
8) The other night in bed when you asked, “Mom do I sthink?” and I answered, “No, Babydoll,” you were actually pretty rife. Sometimes, when I have mastitis, I don’t really care enough.
7) My favorite show is so not Caillou. I actually can’t stand him. He’s hella whiny. I watch shows with scenes that would blow. your. mind. 
6) You will never be a robot. N0t when you’re 4 or 8 or big like mommy or ever in all your years on Earth. In order for you to be a robot you would have had to not be a human. It’s really too late.
 
5) That credit card I gave you has no value. It’s an old temporary debit card. When you swipe it at stores and cashiers tell you you did it yaaaay, I actually stood behind you and swiped the real, useful card.
 
4) That jacket you put on every morning.  Burn it.  The only fashion statement you’re making is “I have a pot belly and my mom can’t afford new clothes.”  Get over the jacket.  It’s a human 2T and you’re the size of a young bull.
3) When we are cycling and you’re in the trailer, you’re not doing anything to help me pedal.  Random crazy phrases and screams do not propel my legs.  But thanks for trying.  Your smile does sort of motivate me.

2) Those two-bite cinnamon rolls from Whole Foods?  They don’t taste like eggs.  They taste like heaven fluff.  I said that so I wouldn’t have to share.  You should like eggs, anyway.

And the number 1 truth that would shatter my toddler’s world is…
1) You were not with me when I was little.  It’s all been a lie.  I didn’t know you and you were not on the potty when I took all the pictures.   And even though I got along quite fine, thanks, I’m really happy we’ve met. You’re kinda a big deal, Kid. 
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Categories: Attachment Parenting, Have A Laugh

Author:Kimberley

I'm Kimberley, work-at-home single momma to two girls, Ryleigh, 9, and Logan, 3. The Single Crunch is the story of our journey from a lifestyle saturated in mainstream ideals to an organic existence, and learning to love each other, ourselves, and any living thing, unconditionally. I'm passionate about breastfeeding, unschooling, single parenting, writing, grief, childhood abuse, childism, and natural living. I write about all this and whatever else moves me, which is a lot, and I throw in some funny on the regular. I'm humbled and grateful to have you reading, thank you. I hope something here will help you in any way.

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13 Comments on “Top Ten: Truths That Would Shatter My Toddler’s World”

  1. August 16, 2012 at 10:16 am #

    Cute! One day I told my boys that the day would come when they would both move out of the house and the three of us would go our own separate ways. I was thinking aloud without really realising what I was doing. I said it is so strange to know that that’s what’s going to happen when now the three of us are always together. They were devastated! They both hugged me at the same time and said that will never ever happen! and we will always always be together! I learned a lesson; I will not scare them like that again.

    • August 16, 2012 at 10:24 am #

      Ryleigh is almost 9 and she still thinks we are going to live together! LOL. Thanks for sharing.

  2. August 16, 2012 at 10:59 am #

    This makes me think of the truths that would shatter my teenager’s world!
    Ex: “No, you are not going to be roommates with all your best friends.”

  3. Angebelle
    August 16, 2012 at 11:59 am #

    I love this! Put a huge smile on my face and lifted my day :-) Thanks for sharing ♥

    • August 16, 2012 at 12:00 pm #

      :) Thank you so much for telling me. Thanks for reading.

  4. August 16, 2012 at 10:41 pm #

    Reblogged this on Harvesting Happiness Blog and commented:
    I seriously love this… Things I wish I could say to my six year old…

    “The waiter does not even know what Ninjago (I had to Google that to make sure I spelled it correctly) is…and the fact that you have only one ‘good’ Ninjago character to battle six evil ones does not make her want to help you even that out.”

  5. Kate
    September 17, 2012 at 6:20 pm #

    ‘I watch shows with scenes that would blow. your. mind.’

    Love this so much! Reading in bed, laughed out loud & almost woke up my toddler.

    • September 18, 2012 at 3:16 pm #

      LOL, I do that often when I’m writing and thinking of these things. Haha. Thank you for reading.

  6. Alison
    September 17, 2012 at 10:11 pm #

    I had to quell my guffaws so as to not wake everyone in this ‘king-size-but-somehow-still-crowded-bed’. I read your posts all the time. I laugh, I reflect, I commiserate. Keep it up!

  7. September 18, 2012 at 7:47 am #

    Ouch, even I felt the pain of the robot one. Thanks for keeping the toddler world revolving. Sharing!

    • September 18, 2012 at 3:15 pm #

      LOL! She tells me she’s going to be a robot at least daily. “I dunna be a wobod when I bigguh yike you, oday?” Thank you.

  8. October 26, 2012 at 3:41 am #

    This has me in tears – so funny and so true. I would have to pay for some serious therapy if I read this aloud to my girls. I’ve just shared it on facebook. Love it!

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