See that pic there? Of my pregnant self (with Logan)?
Why did I post that picture, you ask? Becuase –
I want a baby.
I posted a picture on my Facebook page of a sweet little boy, sitting down with his legs outstretched and his cheeks all chubby and his blonde hair all soft around his sweet face. My heart sank as soon as I saw the picture, as it does whenever I see a picture of a young child or a baby. Or when I see children while I’m out. Or if I think of how my own children are growing. Or, just if I’m, like…awake. I think of it.
I want a baby.
I want to continue my family. I don’t think I ever saw myself having only two children, and while I love having two children, I don’t feel like I’m “done.” Is that weird? I think it’s because I’ve had it in my head for so long that I’d have a big family. My mom is one of eight and I am the eldest of six. I have lots of cousins. I’ve just always seen myself having at least four children, more if we could afford it. But therein lies the problema-
There’s no ‘we’ in ‘me.’ And right now, it’s just me. As it relates to most other things, I’ve embraced my singleness. BUT. When I’m out and I see pregnant women, and I look over and see their doting partners, carrying their drinks or their bags, and everyone’s laughing, and bluebirds are flying around their shoulders tweeting love songs…well, it makes me a just a tad…shall I say it? JEALOUS. With a capital pity party. I get those pricklies (that’saworddon’tlookitup) in my cheeks, and my heart starts to beat a bit faster, and I start to feel…embarrassed? Embarrassed about what? About all the thoughts I’m having: Why her and not me? Why don’t I just foster/adopt? I must be doing something wrong, to not have met anyone else by now. I don’t even care. Yes I do. A lot. Oh well. I’m happy where I am. But I still. want. a baby.
And it’s not just a baby, I’d like to have the partner that is supposed to come with the baby as well. Even as I type I get choked up. Maybe it’s because I’ve just lost my mom, who for me, was sort of like a husband. =) I don’t think so though. That maybe is making me think about it more, but it’s been at the back of my mind for some time now. I’ll be 28 next month. I’m too tired and gassy to date. I don’t go anywhere where I’d meet anyone. And even when I do meet someone, I never have a sitter. I think I want to go out, but I’m so nervous about having anyone around my girls. And I don’t exactly live the lifestyle of a young woman looking to get married. I mean, when my girlfriends are posting pics from their nights on the town, margarita glasses in their hands and skirts so short they can’t be wearing panties, I’m usually reading those posts from my couch, wearing an outfit I’ve turned into a uniform by keeping it on for more than three consecutive days (like, actually showering and then returning said outfit to my body). And I don’t envy them. I love what I do, I love my couch, I love all of the time I spend with my daughters. But more and more, they play together, without me for extended periods, and I feel it. And when they’re asleep, I feel it.
It gets very quiet. I do some chores, maybe humming or playing music as I clean. I check Facebook and email and my bank – yup, still po’. I empty my battered bladder. Then, there’s the couch. I sit down and turn to HGTV. It’s quiet. When I lived at home my siblings and I would laugh and mock show hosts and do impressions of commercials we liked. I do that with my daughters, but when they are asleep, I just smile. It’s times like those that it really hits me. I’m not on the prowl or anything, and I’m not even really lonely, except for these times. But it might be really nice to have a partner. And…I want a baby.