Is This My Biological Clock?

See that pic there?  Of my pregnant self (with Logan)?

Why did I post that picture, you ask?  Becuase -

I want a baby.

I posted a picture on my Facebook page of a sweet little boy, sitting down with his legs outstretched and his cheeks all chubby and his blonde hair all soft around his sweet face.  My  heart sank as soon  as I saw the picture, as it does whenever I see a picture of a young child or a baby.  Or when I see children while I’m out.  Or if I think of how my own children are growing.  Or, just if I’m, like…awake.  I think of it.

I want a baby.

I want to continue my family.  I don’t think I ever saw myself having only two children, and while I love having two children, I don’t feel like I’m “done.”  Is that weird?  I think it’s because I’ve had it in my head for so long that I’d have a big family.  My mom is one of eight and I am the eldest of six.  I have lots of cousins.  I’ve just always seen myself having at least four children, more if we could afford it.  But therein lies the problema-

There’s no ‘we’ in ‘me.’  And right now, it’s just me.  As it relates to most other things, I’ve embraced my singleness.  BUT.  When I’m out and I see pregnant women, and I look over and see their doting partners, carrying their drinks or their bags, and everyone’s laughing, and bluebirds are flying around their shoulders tweeting love songs…well, it makes me a just a tad…shall I say it?  JEALOUS.  With a capital pity party.  I get those pricklies (that’saworddon’tlookitup) in my cheeks, and my heart starts to beat a bit faster, and I start to feel…embarrassed?  Embarrassed about what?  About all the thoughts I’m having: Why her and not me?  Why don’t I just foster/adopt?  I must be doing something wrong, to not have met anyone else by now.  I don’t even care.  Yes I do.  A lot.  Oh well.  I’m happy where I am.  But I still. want. a baby.

And it’s not just a baby, I’d like to have the partner that is supposed to come with the baby as well.  Even as I type I get choked up.  Maybe it’s because I’ve just lost my mom, who for me, was sort of like a husband.  =)  I don’t think so though.  That maybe is making me think about it more, but it’s been at the back of my mind for some time now.  I’ll be 28 next month.  I’m too tired and gassy to date.  I don’t go anywhere where I’d meet anyone.  And even when I do meet someone, I never have a sitter.  I think I want to go out, but I’m so nervous about having anyone around my girls.  And I don’t exactly live the lifestyle of a young woman looking to get married.  I mean, when my girlfriends are posting pics from their nights on the town, margarita glasses in their hands and skirts so short they can’t be wearing panties, I’m usually reading those posts from my couch, wearing an outfit I’ve turned into a uniform by keeping it on for more than three consecutive days (like, actually showering and then returning said outfit to my body).  And I don’t envy them.  I love what I do, I love my couch, I love all of the time I spend with my daughters.  But more and more, they play together, without me for extended periods, and I feel it.  And when they’re asleep, I feel it.

It gets very quiet.  I do some chores, maybe humming or playing music as I clean.  I check Facebook and email and my bank – yup, still po’.  I empty my battered bladder.  Then, there’s the couch.  I sit down and turn to HGTV.  It’s quiet.  When I lived at home my siblings and I would laugh and mock show hosts and do impressions of commercials we liked.  I do that with my daughters, but when they are asleep, I just smile.  It’s times like those that it really hits me.  I’m not on the prowl or anything, and I’m not even really lonely, except for these times.  But it might be really nice to have a partner.  And…I want a baby.

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Categories: Single Motherhood, The Blogstress

Author:Kimberley

I'm Kimberley, work-at-home single momma to two girls, Ryleigh, 9, and Logan, 3. The Single Crunch is the story of our journey from a lifestyle saturated in mainstream ideals to an organic existence, and learning to love each other, ourselves, and any living thing, unconditionally. I'm passionate about breastfeeding, unschooling, single parenting, writing, grief, childhood abuse, childism, and natural living. I write about all this and whatever else moves me, which is a lot, and I throw in some funny on the regular. I'm humbled and grateful to have you reading, thank you. I hope something here will help you in any way.

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14 Comments on “Is This My Biological Clock?”

  1. Cara
    April 23, 2012 at 10:45 am #

    I’d love another little one, too, and I always thought I’d have 2 or 3, not just one. I’m so unbelievable grateful for even “just one” (there’s a whole history of conception and pregnancy issues I’ll spare you!), but…well, you know. :) I’m also feeling my age (recently turned 35), so I’m beginning to think the only way I’ll have more kids is for my “soulmate” to be a single dad with a few kids of his own.

    • April 27, 2012 at 2:43 pm #

      I’d always said I’d NEVER have a child after 30. Think I’m gonna have to alter that plan.

  2. April 23, 2012 at 2:29 pm #

    I grew up with a family similar like yours: just tons and tons of siblings and cousins galore. I always thought I’d have four, but right now I just have one lol. I might have another one but I can’t see myself having more than two. For now at least!

    But yeah I wouldn’t know how to handle all this without my husband. I’ve always had major respect for single parents, but the minute I gave birth to my son, that respect just skyrocketed a zillion miles up. I don’t know how you do it! I’m sure if I were in the same situation I could do it too but since I don’t know otherwise you guys are just superheroes to me.

  3. April 27, 2012 at 1:12 am #

    Big big hugs, love and prayers xxxx

  4. mondaymornincoffee
    April 30, 2012 at 4:48 pm #

    Wow mama, I just found your blog today and after reading a few posts, I swear you and I could be the same person. Except I have boys.

    My first husband, my late husband was killed in 2002, when my boys were 19months and 4months and I spent nearly a decade raising them on my own.

    2010 I married a long time best friend, and he and I just celebrated “our” son’s first birthday. I WILL happen for you.

    Until then, keep me in mind when you need to talk, just know I have been through every ounce of what you are going through and I understand!!

    Hugs, prayers and love!!

  5. mondaymornincoffee
    April 30, 2012 at 4:49 pm #

    Wow mama, I just found your blog today and after reading a few posts, I swear you and I could be the same person. Except I have boys.

    My first husband, my late husband was killed in 2002, when my boys were 19months and 4months and I spent nearly a decade raising them on my own.

    2010 I married a long time best friend, and he and I just celebrated “our” son’s first birthday. I WILL happen for you.

    Until then, keep me in mind when you need to talk, just know I have been through every ounce of what you are going through and I understand!!

    BIG Hugs, prayers and love!!

    http://www.mmcoffee.blogspot.com

  6. April 30, 2012 at 5:16 pm #

    I’m so jealous of people who get to have more babies too! There’s no way we’ll be able to afford it, and I’m trying to make peace with that.
    And I promise, if you see me out with my kids, you won’t have to be jealous of my doting husband, he’s never there.
    I hope you get the things you want, or at least the things that are right for you. hugs.

  7. Shalom
    May 3, 2012 at 6:29 am #

    I just discovered your blog and I love it. I also feel like I’m not “done” and I would love to have another baby, but I’m recently separated, 36, unemployed, and I have two boys (almost 4 and 19 months). Not the ideal situation for another pregnancy. Also, the chances of finding someone as a practicing AP mom seem slim.

  8. Lindsey Wade
    July 12, 2012 at 11:25 pm #

    I’m just now reading this so I don’t know if you will still check the comments but I really really want another baby too. I have 2 kids, 7 and 1, and after seeing the obstacles that come with having widely space children, I would really like to have another baby soon. Watching my kids interact with each other and show love for one another melts my heart something crazy and I always feel like, “gosh, I want more of that! i want to see this stuff all the time!” lol. I think my youngest would love being an older sister. And I do not want to be raising babies my whole life. i became a mom at age 14, so although it is backwards, I would like to have a chance to “be young” again when I am still young, if that is possible lol. And obviously, if I’m still popping out babies when I’m 35, that ain’t gonna happen.

    However, I can’t have another baby alone. There is very little me left between my 2 kids, there will be none left with another. Also I can’t afford another. And, obviously, I am dating NO ONE, and so therefore far from marriage, seeing as how I have to meet a man who loves me, and loves my kids. So I’m probably going to end up with more widely spaced children and e raising babies forever, or just not have anymore at all. :/ I just really want a home birth at least lol

    • July 12, 2012 at 11:55 pm #

      Lindsey that is so me. I am 18 months apart from my sibling closest to me and that girl is my heart. All my siblings are. I want that for my children but Logan is already 3. It hurts so badly. Hope you get your wish. <3

  9. September 26, 2012 at 8:12 am #

    I hear you. I always wanted many children but now pretend that I’m fine with one. It just doesn’t seem realistic that I’ll find a man, since I wasn’t able to find one when I was single, and now not only do I have a child (narrowing the field of men who would want to date me), I am even more picky about the men I’d want to date (they have to be great with my kid on top of being great with me). Not to mention the fact that I haven’t dated since I got pregnant, almost 3 years ago.
    I do want to say one thing though: your daughters do have each other, and that’s really great. In some families (mine) I think some of us would have been better off with fewer siblings. (4 girls). Of course I love them, but we just didn’t get the attention and care that we all needed. I’ve also read that families with just 2 girls are the happiest and most harmonious. Interestingly, families with 4 daughters are the least happy. Strange, no?

  10. June 1, 2014 at 4:38 pm #

    i was a single mom to two kids 4 and 1. shortly after my husband ask for divorce and left, i found out i was pregnant with our third. It has been hard doing it on my own but my little one is the silver lining out of all that’s happened. Be thankful for how many children God has blessed you with. It’s quite funny to see people staring and wondering where the husband is. I often wonder how stress free it would be if I only had one or two. I might not feel the stress of loneliness as much or the yearning for them all to grow up and finally ditch the car seats and slings.

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