“You can do it mom, don’t get your butt wet.”

toilet-new

There I was, in a public restroom.  In the nineties my germaphobic mother got me   into the habit of never sitting directly on other peoples’ toilet seats, she’d always hold me up.  When I got too big for her to hold, she taught me how to kinda lean forward over the seat, you know the pose.  It’s a habit I’ve never broken and have in fact, passed on to my children.  So there I was today, leaning over a public toilet.  And there my toddler was.  Standing next to me, with her left hand over my chest and her right hand placed awkwardly under my thighs.  She was “holding me up,” and chanting, “Otaaay, good dob, Mom, you tan do it, don’t dit yo butt wet, oday?  Mom you ‘ave yo pee-wee-id?”  And it hit me.

I’M BEING STALKED.

Right out in the open.  By two nosy, miniature mudlovers.  I’m sure this is something all moms deal with, but I’m pretty sure that children of single moms take their stalkery (that’saworddon’tlookitup) to a whole notha’ level.  There’s no one else in the house for them to follow around, just each other.  You’d think that when there’s more than one child, they’d stalk each other, right?  Wrong.

When there’s more than one, they join forces and up the stalking ante.  I close a closet door: BAM! there’s a kid.  Wake up from a nap, open my eyes and rightinmyface – BAM! – a kid.  Washing dishes, is that a mouse scurrying across my – BAM! – a kid, sitting on both of my feet, leaning against a cabinet, reading a book.  Seriously?!  Every time I leave a room someone asks, “Where are you going?” with a nervous tremor in their voice, as if there’s a room in our house with a portal to another time, and there’s a real possibility I could walk out of the living room and be gone for days.  As soon as they hear the shower start to run they start knocking with all kinds of reasons I should let them in: “Mom I think there’s a man on the porch!”  “Mom I’m about to burn myself!”  “Mom the other toilet is stopped up and I have to do A NUMBER FOUR!”  “Mom, Logan just called 9-1-1 on your cell, do you want me to say ‘whoops, nevermind?'”  Stalker City.

Not to mention when I’m in my OWN PERSONAL ROOM THAT I PAY FOR, undressing, and they’re both standing there staring at me like little Freddy Kruger’s, and they take turns shattering my self-esteem: “Mom, do all ladies have hairy stomachs?  Will your stretchmarks ever go away?  Wow, did you know your boobs are different sizes?  Is that bra clean?”  I DON’T KNOW RYLEIGH, BUT IF YOU HAVE A SOILED BRA AVERSION THEN YOU ARE MORE THAN WELCOME TO TAKE YOUR STOCKY LITTLE SISTER AND MARCH THE HECK ON OUTTA THIS HERE PRIVATE DWELLING.  Of course I don’t say that.  I look at them and I know they just want to be around me.  And if there was another adult in the house they’d stalk them as well, but there’s not, so…I take it like the hairy manlady I am.

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Categories: Have A Laugh, Single Motherhood

Author:Kimberley

I'm Kimberley, work-at-home single momma to two girls, Ryleigh, 9, and Logan, 3. The Single Crunch is the story of our journey from a lifestyle saturated in mainstream ideals to an organic existence, and learning to love each other, ourselves, and any living thing, unconditionally. I'm passionate about breastfeeding, unschooling, single parenting, writing, grief, childhood abuse, childism, and natural living. I write about all this and whatever else moves me, which is a lot, and I throw in some funny on the regular. I'm humbled and grateful to have you reading, thank you. I hope something here will help you in any way.

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6 Comments on ““You can do it mom, don’t get your butt wet.””

  1. Megan
    April 16, 2012 at 4:51 am #

    This made me laugh, like tears in the eyes laughing!!! It is so being a single mum summed up!! As I read this my 5 yr old is saying ‘your not listening to me mum!!!’!!! Just the other day i jumped in the shower to an audience who then tell me ‘you look much better with your clothes on mum’ nothing like out of the mouths of babes! And as I type this, fixing typos, from a nearly 2 yr old who is climbing all over me!! Oh, to fantasise of being one of those few lucky mums to have a wonderful, understanding man who supports their beliefs!! (although I think those out there represent those in the tens rather then thousands!!)

    • April 16, 2012 at 9:51 am #

      Megan, I have to admit that while I was reflecting on these experiences, I was cracking up myself. It is very funny being the only parent, isn’t it?! I don’t see how my girls don’t get sick of me…but I’m sure that’s coming. =) I dream of having someone to call over my shoulder to and yell, “Hey come get the baby off the television!” LOL. Glad you enjoyed it.

  2. The Holistic Homeschooler
    April 16, 2012 at 10:17 am #

    I think I only had one (my 3rd) who followed me around. But this is the same child who nursed 23hours a day. I kid you not. Anyway..this was quite the laugh to start my day!!!

  3. April 17, 2012 at 1:15 pm #

    It’s not just single mums – oh my goodness this made me laugh! I am stalked by my 3-year-old all day to the point that I conned him into having a shower the other morning ;) Even in the evenings it’s single-parentdom it’s just that it’s the other one getting stalked :D It’s usually me pulling the child out of the washing machine (I kid you not)….

  4. DeidraJ
    May 16, 2012 at 10:45 am #

    Your girls are too funny!! I’m so tickled over here, but Im careful not to laugh too hard because I’ve peaked the interest of my daughter who refuses to allow Mom to think that anything is funny without her. A number FOUR sounds pretty serious so I hope you opened the door! When my daughter follows me around, I put on a crazy British accent and say..”Stop following Me!!” Of course, she thinks its hilarious and it just makes her want to follow me even more so…Wait a minute. Yeah. I have no real suggestions because I can’t escape either.
    I can relate to how children tear down your self esteem. My daughter says “Eeeeww!!” whenever she sees me naked, which, of course, is the result of her prying her way into my room after my shower which I have to lock while Im in there or she’ll bust in with a million things she needs to “do” or “find” or even “fix” with her play tools as I freeze my buns off because clearly…”Its too smoke in here for me Mom…” so the door remains open while she pounds on every knob, lever, or screw with a plastic hammer and my Calgon experience is ruined. She’s getting better though. Now, whenever I wear my hair down or put on a dress she tells me Im beautiful and that she’s proud of me. Lets not forget the extra dramatic hug and kiss, which I gratefully receive. But geez, do I look so bad in jeans and a ponytail?

  5. AJ
    May 16, 2012 at 1:22 pm #

    I have to say this made me laugh hysterically. I am not a single mom, however, you would not know that by how attached my daughter is to me. “Dada” although her first word is non-existent these days. My daughter is 18 months and she follows me everywhere calling “mom” as loud as she can. She has taken to sitting on a step stool in the bathroom while I shower and peeking in every few minutes to make sure I’m still there. She tries to put my bras on herself while I am drying off. If I leave her in the room with my husband so I can go potty all by self, she screams and beats on the door until I come back in. Then I am greeted with a “mom!” And a running hug where she wraps her little arms around me going “aww, baby”. You would think she hadn’t seen me in weeks. If it keeps up like this I can only guess what I am in for as she gets older. :) I love her to pieces though.

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